Y'all I am TIRED.

Global pandemics and quarantine life with 3 active boys is HARD.

I thought that I was a full-time mom before, but who am I kidding.  They all left for 8-10 hours each day.  And I WORKED.  Like my job worked.  I mean sure I volunteered, probably too much.  I took time out to have lunches with them.  I made their lunches and drove them around to activities.  Cheered at the one soccer game of the season we made, the 2 track meets, went to Blue and Gold and helped with the cake.  I supervised homework and changed diapers and played Play-Doh. But I haven't been a stay at home mom in 10 years and it is REALLY REALLY HARD. And I miss my life and my business and me.

I'm exhausted.  Mentally, physically, emotionally spent.  I mean don't get me wrong it is 10.30 at night and the feelings are intensified, but mornings are rough as well.  I have a toddler and he doesn't have an off switch.  And to be honest neither does my soon to be 13 years old.

I walk up and down stairs more than ever, my knees hurt.  I clean the kitchen 3 times a day.  Cooking and planning meals alone is a full-time job.  But can we talk about the 2-year-old again?  He is so so busy.

And then the emotional referring and learning how to support them in learning.  Keeping the screen time balanced.  Instilling more responsibility.  Having them help with laundry.  Making sure they are getting in good activity.  Being their friends because they can't see them now.  Listening to their thoughts and being a sounding board for their fears and feelings.

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my boys.  LOVE them.  I'm a great boy mom.  I am living the role that God planned for me and it is a blessing every day.  But sometimes I find it hard to keep up with their energy.  I mean I can.  And I will, because honestly what is the alternative?  And they will grow up and I will be sad.  But I wouldn't mind a movie day with the toddler if I could get him to sit down for longer than 10 minutes at a time.  And my older 2 do help, a ton.  But....all day.....every day....for another month and then the summer.

So parents out there.  This is hard.  And that's ok.

I'm finding that my 366 day project helps me get through it everyday.  It gives me a purpose and a little part of me in all of this motherhood thing again.  The first time I was a stay at home mom, I lost me in the full time job of parenting.

And let's be honest, we are all in danger of losing a little of ourselves these days.  I challenge you to find a part of you in each day.  It's a little easier with the older kids I think, I can share an experience or teach a life lesson.  The littler ones need just more of us to show them how to live and grow.  Hell they all do.  And we need them to teach us too.

Anyways.  I plan on rambling like this once a week as we go through this global pandemic and hopefully for the months and years to come.  Our world is changing in a BIG way.  I have no idea what it will look like- none, zip, nada.  But I do know that we are all loved and that it's going to be ok.  Do you know how I know?  Because tonight I found the sun in a different way and was able to capture my boys playing and laughing and being boys.  Bouncing off all that energy.  It ended with me yelling at them because they starting hitting each other, but for a moment....well it was magic and beauty and all that is good.